The Exponential Impact of 1

Prequel

The last time I saw Bob “The Slob” Whitlow in person was September 2010.  I have always made it a point to stop by when I made it back to CA from the Right Coast.  In September 2011 he was stuck in KPACC in San Leandro and he delighted in the fact that I was bringing him real coffee…against the doctors orders.  “We’ll just up the Lasix,” says Bob.  That’s one lesson that has permeated with Bob ever since I met him as a 5 year old…”Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”   I am sure this was the carbuncle on Joel Thornley’s (the former District Superintendent) ass for some time with Charquin. Bob lived to fly under the radar to get things done…and taught others to do the same.

After my September trip I got off the plane in NH and we started talking every week.  Being on the East Coast, when Bob couldn’t sleep at 3AM I had already been up for an hour with a kid or two.  So the texts would fly back and forth “You up?”…”Yup!”  The phone would ring in either NH or CA.  We played online Scrabble sometimes going back and forth all day…game after game after game…sometimes 5 games going simultaneously…I think I won once…he kicked my ass every time…and the one time I won I think it was a gimme.  I could tell when he wasn’t doing well because it would take him longer to form a word…then the minutes would stretch to hours…the hours to days…till about July 2011 he forfeited our games…and I knew something was really wrong.  Email, text, and calls all went unanswered…I was worried.

I wrote this letter (below) in April of 2011 after mulling it around between the ears for some time.  I sent the letter to Bob and we talked about it a lot over the phone.  I asked him, amongst other things,  “What good is a eulogy if you don t know how people feel about you when you can still stare them in the face?”

Every time we hung up the phone there was an “I love you” exchanged.  In this current time, a bit of advice…If you don’t do it now, you best start doing this with those in your life that matter most…aint no reason to hold back.

There are more lessons that Bob passed on (i.e. doing multiplication of 9’s with my fingers, learning to cartoon, drawing 3D perspective, etc)…and I am sure those will rise again.  This a bit long…but keep in mind…this is not for you…this is for Bob Whitlow.  It is my thanks to him…my way to honor him with what he gave me over the 38 years we knew each other…and he knew it.

Here’s how it all went down from the perspective of a 5 year old…that’s looking back after 42 years…

The Exponential Impact of 1

Dear Bob The Slob Whitlow,

For some reason I have been thinking about what I would say in your pre-membrance in thanks for what you have given me.

What can I say?  I have known you longer than some, shorter than many, and can only attest to the impact you have had on my life.  So for this I say: “Thank you.”  Two words that are seemingly benign unless you know the history.

My Beginning…

So I guess it was 1975 when I entered Charquin with this rag tag group of misfits that were either handpicked by “forward thinkers” or thrown together because we didn’t fit in.  At any rate, we all cruised along together in this Petri dish experiment within the “normal” school of Laurel Elementary in Castro Valley, CA.  I remember talks of budget cuts, scrapping the program, zip code switching, having teachers come and go, and a bit of strife with the other kids that were in school but in “outside classes.”  We were the outlaws…the “special kids” tucked at the end of the building with our own access to the playground…accident?  Nope.

On the other hand, I also remember being a tight knit group of kids that got to play, experiment, learn, socialize both in school and out, and grow up together in a safe learning environment.  The major constant with this rag tag group was you…The Slob.

The King Pin…

It is interesting that over 35 years later, I can reconnect with someone I went to Charquin with in the early 1970’s by looking at your Facebook page or better yet, by sitting next to you and talking about people in common that I share a slice of my life with.

We have all grown up in some shape or form to do amazing and creative things…kids that are now parents (some not all), a group that spans the globe as members of this funny little hippy fraternity…people that I can call up and reconnect with in an instant because of some crazy bond that we formed on the Tot Lot before the evil school district took our ship and sand away and rebuilt it with a redwood and tan bark monstrosity.  Some of those kids and parents have died…some cannot be found…but if they resurface for some reason its easy to begin again from where we left off because we have a lot of history.

The Neural Rolodex

I have some interesting memories of my years in Charquin.  We had the coolest field trips (i.e. our annual trip to Alcatraz.  Angel Island.  Ano Nuevo.  Camping trips to Lake Chabot.  Sand blasting with Bob Kersey.  The Half Moon Bay Pumpkin Festival…to name a few.  As a kid these trips seemed to be flawless, but only to learn later on that most one of these field trips were not “sanctioned.” I do remember a bit of scrambling to fit into a caravan of parents cars, however, the one car you did want to get in at some point was the drop top Buick.  To let the top down when you were sitting at a light…it was beyond awesome.

There were parties at friend’s houses for various birthdays…Jay James, Andi Havercroft, Sean Marconi, Chris Morby, Adina Zeller, Liz and Aaron Edens, Debbie Kerns, Castle and Troy Redmond, Lynn Reddoch, Chris Kersey, and Troy Norman, a short list of players from a long crazy play.

Some other memories I have are very powerful ways that formed me as a human being that will be immeasurable.  The way we were educated in Charquin was truly experiential…we learned by doing and feeling.  No desks.  Cubby holes.  Corners of the rooms fashioned into “class rooms.”  “Around the rug” time.  Gardens.  Dogs in the classroom.  More than one classroom tied together…I think at one point we had three rooms.  Easy access to the outside.  Big windows.

Growth

Whether by design or by accident I feel that our education pushed us differently.  It could have been through making No-Bake Cookies for the tenth time with Robin Zeller.  No one ever refused No-Bake Cookies.

A unique portion of the program was parent involvement.  With parents in the classroom as teachers, they tended to be not only parents, but people.  So many of the parents involved were unique and amazing and we tended to be called out on our own shit when it needed to be.  In my 6 years of involvement I was met and matched by so many parents in so many cool ways that I was given a true tapestry of how I could learn from a situation.  I like to think this was by design.

My First Trust

Why in the hell would someone believe a 6 year old?  I dunno…but I felt like you did.  At one point someone had stolen some money out of one of the parents purses and we were each called into a room with you… one at a ti

me.  You kneeled down to my level and said to me: “I know you didn’t take the money, you wouldn’t do something like that, but I have to bring you in and ask you the same question.  Did you take it?”  I said “No” and you patted me on the shoulder and pushed me out the door.

It was the first time that I remember an adult taking me for my word and trusting me.  Trusting me?  Nobody had talked with me like that before…outside of my parents. 

Legacy vs. Currency

It has been said that the average kindergarten teacher should be valued and paid $300,000 per year based on the sphere of influence they create over that one single year for the kids in their class.  Having spent 6 years with you in the most formidable times of my learning life I can honestly say that I could never compensate you enough.

It has also been said that legacy is better than currency…and this is the type of legacy that you have created through me:

People I work with

I work with people every day and help them re-frame their lives through physical movement and a change of intention.  There is something in each interaction that comes from you to them…maybe it’s a silly joke…maybe it’s a story…maybe its blunt profanity…but I can feel you there.

My kids

I have three wonderful children.  When my oldest son Max was entering kindergarten you and I talked at length about the pros and cons of Montessori, Waldorf and going with public education.  We chose public education based on our discussions, my experience with Charquin, the local K-8 school and the community of which my family is a part.  My children will all benefit from your patient advice.

My “Yes”

Before Max was born you gave me a piece of parental advice:  “Learn to say yes to as many things as possible.”  Now having three kids I know you didn’t mean everything.  But what I have come to realize is that you meant don’t immediately say “no.”  Be patient and thoughtful enough to consider the other answer.

Knowing how to feel

I currently stay home with my children as well as run a business.  My children get the benefit of having dad around and (hopefully) benefit from some of the experiences that I had growing up.  I remember some of my actions and reactions to circumstances when I was little and see the same things percolate up in my kids.  Based on our experiential education I see and remember what it felt like in my body…whether it is happiness, sadness or frustration and I like to think that I can talk with them in a different way to help them through it…or at least relate.

The thirst

I like to think what I learned from Charquin was a thirst for experiences, new ideas, for creativity, and the ability to look and dream outside the box…and that gets passed down to my kids.

I told you this story a while back…when Max was 4 we were coloring and I asked Max how many “sides” the paper had.  He thought for a moment and said “6.” In my mind a blank piece of paper had 2 sides…front and back.  So I asked him to show me…so he traced each edge of the paper, put his hand on the top, flipped it over, and put his hand on the back…looked at me and said “See?  6 sides daddy.”  I knew we were in for it.

If my kids choose to have kids I would assume that they would pass down the things I have shown them (through you) to their kids.  Your influence is multi-generational.  Not only is your influence multi-generational in my family…it is the same in other families…so it is also exponential.

The Stew

I am sure there are other mish-mash aspects of my life that I can attribute to things we have talked about, what I learned from you or observed when growing up.  I am thankful for all that you have given me and I can unequivocally say that I would not be who I am today without your care, friendship, and love.

So again…I say two little benign words that have a huge and personal meaning when said to you:  Thank you.

I love you very much Bob.

Charlie Murdach, April 10, 2011